And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
