you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
