Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize