I need help removing her.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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