I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dignity is for republicans.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
