Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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