im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
