i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
PANTIES FOUND
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
