I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We left an ass print on the piano.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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