that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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