She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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