I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
