Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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