i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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