i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
