Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
