I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
