my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I need a beard to bite.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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