Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
