I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
