Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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