Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
