Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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