I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
