All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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