News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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