Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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