this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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