my sisters under your porch take her home
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
