I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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