How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
