i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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