Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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