Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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