I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
