Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think my moral compass just broke
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
