My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
