you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
