when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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