it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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