my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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