she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just found puke in my bra..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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