You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
sex in a hospital.. check
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
