My nipple is on Facebook.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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