I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize