I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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