ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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