is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
and she was petting her beer can
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
