just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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