Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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