goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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