i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
