Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
