She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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