So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
