He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
