i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
