nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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